Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
