He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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