why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
