my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
