I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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