Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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