WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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