I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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