just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
