Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
