When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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