At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
