Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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