I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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