as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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