anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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