Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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