i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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