I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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