Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
