I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
