Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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