I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
