Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
