Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
