i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
