allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Semen is not good for contacts.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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