tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
