Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
