Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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