Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats