He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
