ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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