Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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