i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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