I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
