I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
