is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
