She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
