OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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