I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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