Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
