my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
