Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
cat food counts as protein by the way
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
