I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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