Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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