I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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