You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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