wat bout pragnant strippers??
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
