Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
