Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
