We named our party play list daddy issues
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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