her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
