i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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