Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
