my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
