Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize